The Halfling
by Teemuu
Summary: A familiar tale of dwarves and dragon's gold. With many apologies to Tolkien.
1. Chapter 1

Master Clovis was one of the leading merchants in all of Grom. The construction of affordable but efficient magical powders and devices was a very lucrative trade . Now Clovis was reaping the fruits of his reward. A network of thriving businesses, several palatial mansions, even the respect of his fellow aristocrats and nobles. It wasn't an easy path though. The master merchant started as an out of luck adventurer , but after years of struggle he earned his place in society.

Clovis sighed, despite his humble beginnings he missed his adventuring days. More specifically he missed his companions. The faithful cleric Fetch, the off note bard Tyris, the half insane warrior Frank, and of course...

*SLAM*

Clovis's ear rung as the door to his outer office was slammed. His next appointment was with his warehouse manager, but from the sound of the door and the stomping on the ground, he knew his plans had just been rescheduled.

"You can't go in ...ooooofff", yelped his secretary from outside his office.

*CRASH*

"That was the lamest adventure ...EVER! ", declared Ymir the dwarf as she stomped into the room. The youthful dwarf maiden was average of stature for her race, had long curly brown hair , and an aristocratic air to her. Despite the years that Clovis had known her, she was still relatively unchanged from when he first met her. Slightly better armor, a shinier axe, bigger boots, but still the same dwarf he met 46 years ago.

"Adventure? Don't you have a mercenary company to run?", smiled Clovis curious to the tales of daring that the dwarf was sure to tell.

"Of course I do! Why do you think I'm adventuring? Mercenary armies are expensive to operate ! ", fumed the dwarf maid, her light brown curly hair almost radiating steam from her anger. Clovis considered explaining to his friend that she should probably have cut her losses and sell her interest in her small army, but ruled against it. Dwarves as a species were very possessive and his friend was no exception.

Ymir clenched her teeth and shook with anger, but a tumbler of dwarven spirits pushed her way calmed the dwarf down.

The dwarven maid took a sip of the drink , and took a deep breath. "Thanks. I needed that. I was saying, I'm kind of short on cash , so I've been adventuring on the side to make ends meet. Between the Third armies enforced peace, and that dick Kalidor lowballing me on contracts with his Kalhounds, things have been tight. It didn't help that I had all those sculptors and poets on retainer as well. Until the next war or big merc contract comes up, I have to do the occasional odd job. "

Clovis nodded, and motioned for her to continue. A rousing tale was sure to come he thought as he poured himself a glass of lichen rye.

"Well ...a very distant cousin sent out a cry for help recently. Seems he's an ousted prince or something and needed help recovering his ancestral home from a dragon of all things.", continued the dwarf.

"A dragon? Cha ching! ", smiled Clovis as he raised his glass in a toast. Ymir however was still not in a celebratory mood.

"Yeah...that's what I thought too...but that's not how things turned out. ", grumbled the dwarf.

"Well...my cousin was holding try outs at some halfling burrow or something. He should have scheduled it in a tavern or something like a real adventurer would, but I guessed he wanted to save some bucks. He held it at some out of the way estate. When I finally arrived the rookie already hired 13 other guys. ", continued the dwarf.

"13! Four or five is a good number, six or seven is pushing it...but 14 guys for an expedition? That's not an adventuring party, that's a platoon. ", exclaimed Clovis in shock.

"I know right? My idiot cousin, hired twelve dwarves and decided to hire a chubby halfling as well , because he was superstitious of all things . He didn't like the number 13 or something like that. The dummy should have just fired one of the more useless dwarves, like the super fat one. Also he had a wizard on retainer, but he only worked on occasion. He had other errands or something to do as well.", complained Ymir.

"Hmm...an army of dwarves. That's a lot of adventurers, but at last they're dwarves. Good constitution, magic and poison resistance. At least they weren't...tieflings or Zugfolk or some other bizarre genetic throwback.", commented Clovis, trying to appeal to his friend's racial pride.

Ymir chuckled at the thought, but her scowl returned. " Yeah, well some of these guys were really scraping the dwarven talent pool. Besides the twins, the rest were idiots, like the super chubby one I mentioned, or those pair of old geezers. Anyways, I was thinking of leaving this clown show right then and there , but I needed the cash, and a fifteenth of a dragon's horde was still a lot of treasure. Besides, I was pretty sure some of these newbs wouldn't make it through the first encounter. How wrong I was..."

"They performed admirably I take it?", inquired the artificer.

"Hell no! I meant despite their ineptitude, they all survived. I was out scouting on our first night, with the sexy twins. ", waxed the dwarf.

Clovis raised an eyebrow at the mention of the twins. For some odd reason, he always found tales of Ymir's romantic life interesting.

Ymir smiled naughtily as she continued her tale," Well after a slight diversion, we return to find the rest of the guys, minus the conveniently missing wizard, stuffed into bags, being sat on by trolls."

"They...were in bags...being sat on?", chuckled Clovis.

"Yes! I would have laughed out loud if it weren't so pathetic, and I wasn't associated with such a group. I spotted the wizard hiding behind a rock. I gave him the signal to fireball their flammable asses but he was instead using a ventriloquism spell or something . I almost turned around and stormed off right there. Sadly, their idiot leader was my distant cousin , and I can't leave kin , even incompetent kin to trolls. I figured I would kill the trolls then leave. So , with my axe, the twins and I laid waste to the bad guys. ", shrugged Ymir.

"So after that you left? ", asked the artificer. He considered pressing for details about the battle, but a warrior of Ymir's skill would have most likely been insulted by relaying a battle with mere trolls.

"Well, that was my plan, but things weren't what they seemed. The trolls were tougher then regular trolls, but no match for me. After we killed them I was greatly surprised at how much treasure they had. Bags and bags of copper, silver and gold. Also magical blades, some really nice ones. I wanted one, but my idiot cousin took one and gave the other to the wizard.", exclaimed the dwarf.

"He gave a wizard a magical sword? What is this? Amateur hour?", exclaimed Clovis in disgust at the mage's greed. Dividing magical items to members of a group that could best use them was common practice. The artificer hated money grubbing adventurers that demanded a share in all the treasure, even the magical items they couldn't use. Their behavior was the root of all the tales of adventurer avarice.

"Well , I was considering to just leave this pack of goobers, but the troll horde was really amazing. I figure that if the trolls had this much loot, the dragon must have been really loaded. I thought I could put up with this nonsense and suck it up till we kill the beast.", shrugged Ymir. " Anyways...I considered it was just a rough start and things would get better from there. For awhile, it did. We stopped at the wizard's skinny half elf buddies place, and it was remarkably relaxing. After that ..it was all down hill. ", the dwarf said shaking her head.

" We trekked through some mountains, and I thought everything was smooth sailing. Us being all dwarves and in our natural habitat, what could go wrong ? Well, foolish me! First night, we get ambushed by goblins if you can believe that. I mean , its a cave...with a narrow passage. A few of us should have been able to hold them off, especially with 13 dwarves. How wrong I was. The goblins just swarmed us. I took out several dozens, but the yammering little beasts just swarmed past me to attack the others. ", Ymir snarled with clenched fists.

"You...you were captured ...by goblins?", asked a shocked Clovis.

"What? Hell no. The critters captured my group, and then collapsed a tunnel on me. Hoping to crush me or something stupid like that. Grom to goblins..Grom to goblins... I'm a dwarf, I just dig myself out . I would have left those fools, but I wanted some payback on those goblins. ", scoffed the dwarf maid.

*cough cough*, stammered Clovis.

Ymir sighed, "Ok...I really wanted one of those magical blades. I thought the goblins would have killed those guys and I could just help myself out to their loot on their corpses. Hey don't give me that look. You'd have done the same thing. "

Clovis sighed and shrugged. He admitted he probably would have in that situation.

"So there I was lost, trying to use my dwarven senses to locate my group. It was a literal warren or maze, minus the minotaurs. I almost gave up hope ...but then I heard the singing. ", continued the dwarf.

"Singing? Like the dwarves were singing? ", asked Clovis.

"Err...no the goblins were singing. They were singing really good too. In common as well. It wasn't an old war song or battle chant, but they seemed to have made it up on the spot. A catchy little ditty about going "Down town to goblin town" or something like that. ", commented the dwarf. She attempted to sing a few bars of the tune, but it came out badly so she shrugged and continued her tale.

" Well...I thought they were to be eaten at that point, at least some of them anyways. That halfling was really fat, I was pretty sure him or the super chubby dwarf would have been devoured first. I used my...racial power...of invisibility and snuck into the Goblin's throne room. I was about to kill them all, but the wizard showed up , and chaos ensued. I wasn't sure what happened by I just started killing stuff randomly. I slammed my axe into the Great Goblin, and almost killed him, but that cheesy wizard kill stole him from us. I would have just lost it, but you know I don't adventure for the fame. "

Clovis sputtered his drink at the blatant lie. " Instead of joining in, the other dwarves took the opportunity to run. It was like trying to follow penguins with their heads cut off. By Moradin , it was a miracle we made it out. We lost fatty the halfling , and we almost lost the twins, but by Clandgeddin we somehow got through the mountains.", declared the dwarf proudly.

"So we are down to 14 shares with the halfling out of the way? ", asked Clovis inquisitively.

"Nah...chubby found us later. Good timing too, since that's when it really got crazy.", shrugged the dwarf.


	2. Chapter 2

Master Clovis went to his liquor cabinet and surveyed what he had in stock. Elven wine? No..that's a more celebratory drink. Gnome Spirits? Definitely not...his guest didn't agree with that drink and he was afraid she might throw up on his new carpet. Dwarven ale? Too obvious and boring.

"What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here? Sheesh! Hurry up! ", demanded the pushy dwarven maid .

Clovis frowned his displeasure at his impatient guest. Ahh halfling port, he smile as he retrieved the bottle. A common rural drink, but with a full body taste he thought to himself as he poured two glasses.

Ymir looked at the drink suspiciously when it was offered to her. "Halfling port? You cheaping out on me, or did the economy kick you in the nuts too? ", asked the dwarf as

Clovis ignored the friendly insult, and tipped his glass at the dwarf. " Please continue your story my dear Yimmy. ", the artificer said as he sipped his port.

Ymir sniffed the drink and seemed pleasantly surprised at the robust aroma, she swiftly downed half her glass and began her tale again.

"So after we escaped the goblin's warrens, we met up with chubby the halfling again. He claimed he was lost during the melee with the goblin king, and somehow miraculously found us as we escaped. Well ...let me tell you , I wasn't born yesterday ! I was sure the little rat is a thief, and he probably stole some treasure from the gobbys and was keeping it for himself !", declared the angry dwarf.

Clovis stopped in shock at her statement. "I'm surprised, you of all people , engage in racial profiling. Saying all halflings are rogues, is like saying all dwarves are miners , or all elves prance in the woods. ", posed the artificer as he shook his head.

Ymir blinked at him blankly. " Eh ? All dwarves are miners...and every elf I've ever known prances in the woods. ", she said with an innocent shrug.

Clovis sighed and waved her to continue.

"So after a while, we take a break running , I corner chubby . I threatened to use my famous fist to face diplomacy on him , if he didn't cut me in on his stake. He smiled and looked at me , and said something really stupid. Let me see...he said, 'I'll give you my ..precious ..treasure...if you can guess what's in my pockets. '. I was like huh? Is that suppose to be a riddle or something ?" , stated Ymir as she attempted to mimic a halfling's voice. Clovis smiled at the dwarf maiden. Despite her often straightforward and cold methods, she often revealed a comical side to herself that belied her dangerous and brutal profession. It was one of her qualities that endeared her to his heart.

"I would have thought a ...rogue...would be more clever then that. ", shrugged Clovis.

Ymir nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I wasn't taking any nonsense. I immediately kneed him in the gut. Since he hinted something was in his pockets, that's where I immediately searched. Turned out he had nothing but a crappy gold invisibility ring. I already had a ring of protection and a ring of evasion on me, and my...ahem ... less then savory dark dwarf heritage allows me to go invisible anyways. So I threw it back in his face, and told him he owes me. ", snarled the dwarf.

"Anyways, the entire goblin nation was after us at this point. These guys weren't fooling around, they were riding war worgs . I wanted to apply the McDunn Strategem on them, but the rest wanted to keep running.", noted Ymir.

"McDunn Strategem?", asked Clovis . The artificer was well read, but military history and strategy was not a subject of interest for him. He guessed McDunn referred to the famous Dwarven General Kirk McDunn, but beyond that he had no idea what Ymir was talking about.

"McDunn Strategem states, when faced with superior numbers you don't need to kill all of them, just enough of them till they run away.", replied the dwarf.

Clovis thought about her statement , and wasn't sure how effective that would be. If you are killing them, won't they be killing you in return? Won't it be easier for them if they outnumber you? Regardless of its effectiveness, he waved her to continue again.

"Well since out group was mostly dwarves with a halfling and a wizard, we were pretty slow. I half expected the wizard to leave us in the dust, but he was either too scared to strike out by himself or didn't want to abandon us. The goblin worg riders eventually caught up to us...and we were ummm...", the dwarf said trailing with a mumble.

"Eh ? I didn't catch that. Did you make your last stand or something? Let me guess, you turned to face your foes, it was a glorious battle but they overwhelmed you . Somehow, in the confusion you made a daring escape. ", offered Clovis.

Ymir sighed and looked dejected, "No...I wish that was what happened. We...we were chased up a tree.", the dwarf maid admitted with a sigh.

"PFffffftttt! ", laughed Clovis as he inadvertently sprayed his port . His rug was ruined, but the artificer didn't care at that point. The thought of the mighty warrior Ymir being chased up a tree was too ridiculous to fathom. The fact she was with over a dozen other dwarves was too funny to imagine.

"If you're done making fun of me...I'll continue the story. After chasing us up the tree. Err..They broke out in song again. ", noted the dwarf sheepishly.

"You were cornered up a tree by bard goblins? Is a goblin bard even possible?", wondered the artificer.

"I don't think they were bards, they just sang really good. They were comparing us to birds in a tree or something, and having a grand old time tormenting us. I'm pretty surprised that dim witted goblins could have come up with a song for that situation in such short notice. ", pondered Ymir.

"Singing Goblins getting the best of our brave little Ymir, and her little friends. Heehee . ", chuckled Clovis.

"Yeah, yeah laugh it up. I admit it, it wasn't my finest moment. It ..it gets worse. Besides the twins and their bows, we had no missile weapons to speak of. I had my returning axe, which I used to great effect. The rest were ...reduced to throwing pine cones. ", said the dwarf sullenly.

"HAH! Dwarves throwing pine cones at goblins? This is too much! ", laughed the artificer again.

Ymir ignored the taunt and continued her tale. "The goblins thought it funny as well. Soon they set our tree on fire and were laughing and singing our demise. I even cleaved one's head off with my dwarven thrower, but that just made them sing louder. The wizard to his credit , was using some weird spell that made his pine cones explode with fire, but it didn't really stop them. "

"Fire seeds, an ancient lost spell used by druids. Not sure how your wizard friend knows it, but I'm more interested in the rest of your tale. How , pray tell, did you get out of that one? ", inquired the artificer.

"Well, it gets bizarre here. Just as we were going to be roasted alive, several giant eagles swooped out of the sky and rescued us. ", stated the dwarf in confusion.

"Deus ex machina? Giant eagles rescued you? ", asked Clovis in disbelief.

"Doos X macarena? What? Never mind...Yeah. The wizard guy was talking to them, and they were...umm talking back. At this point , I was thinking to myself, was this guy holding out on us? I mean , if he can summon giant eagles, why didn't he summon them before we crossed the mountains? Did he wanted us to suffer in the goblin mines? Maybe he thought there were too many of us, and hoped the goblins would cut our numbers down. I can totally see that . I mean , that's what I would have done if the rest of the crew wasn't dwarves. Come to think of it, the wizard was the most competent and crafty guy of the lot. It wouldn't surprise me if he just wanted to see us suffer. He's the kind of guy that would send someone on a three thousand mile quest ...on foot, and in the last moment , swoop out of the sky on his eagle to collect a share of the loot. I can totally see him doing something dickish like that. ", waxed the dwarf .

"Come now. Adventurers have bad reputations, but no one would be that cruel. I can't imagine anyone being so petty or vindictive by sending his comrades on a epic journey by land, just so he could show up on an eagle at the end of the trip. That's inhumane. The most likely explanation is that he could only call his eagle allies a limited amount of times. ", explained Clovis.

"Well, whatever the reason , his eagle buddies took us miles away from the goblins. We ended near the edge of the forest by some hobby farm or something. This big dude reluctantly let us stay. It looked like he wanted a fight, but his mood brightened when someone mentioned we had been in a scuffle with goblins. Whoever he was , he was pretty bad ass, since he staked a bunch of goblin and worg heads around the place. At first I thought he was a retired adventurer or something, but during the night , one of the twins spotted a group of umm...dancing bears. ", continued the dwarf.

"Hmmm...dancing bears? That could mean either a were bear, a powerful druid, or perhaps something more mundane. Perhaps he was an animal trainer? ", considered the artificer.

"Well, whateva. The next day the wizard runs off to another errand , leaving me to baby sit this loser group.", stated Ymir gruffly.

"Just like that. He left . What about don't split up the party? ", puzzled Clovis.

"Those were my sentiments, but the wizard had some errands or something . The rest of the dwarves didn't like it either. I took the opportunity to try to get them to kick him out of the group, or at least penalize his share of the treasure, but cousin and him were old friends. I hate that type of back scratching. It should be cousins first, then old friends. ", stated the dwarf angrily.

"Well , after Mr.' Look at me! I can summon eagles ! ', left. The rest of us started to hike through this huge mega forest. This place was big, at least as big as the Devil's Woods. Maybe as big as Alfheim. We were wandering for days, most likely lost. Then...disaster struck. ", continued the dwarf in a small voice.


	3. Chapter 3

"Disaster?", asked Clovis intently. The artificer saw the dwarf's mood turn dark. While before, she was playfully annoyed, Clovis now saw a dark dread in her.

Ymir nodded then drank her port. She breathed deeply , seemingly to gather her courage but ended up taking another sip of her drink. Finally after another attempt she began her story again.

"I was out scouting in the woods , it was a long journey to our next destination and I wanted our trail clearly marked. While returning back to camp I noticed something odd. There was an eerie silence in the area. The two old dwarves weren't bickering, the fat dwarf wasn't complaining , and the twins weren't whistling cat calls to me." , began Ymir.

"Hold up. ", interrupted Clovis. " Sorry to break up your narrative, but don't these dwarves have names? Fat dwarf, twin dwarf one, twin dwarf two, old guy one , old guy two, stupid cousin ? It's hard to follow .", the artificer pointed out.

Ymir shrugged. "Hmmm...I'm not good with names. The twins were called Phil and Kill or something like that. The halfling was Billy Bo Bo. There were a bunch of others with rhyming names, like Oink, Gloink. There was a Biffy, Boffy, and the fat one was Bomby...The old guys were Ballsin and Dollsin...or something like that. I get them mixed up unless they wear name tags or something. ", recalled the dwarf.

"Never mind. ", interrupted Clovis again. "Stick with your original descriptions, its easier to recall then the names you just spouted. "

"Anyways...It was eerily quiet with no one around. At first I thought they ditched me or were playing a joke, but then I found the camp and more importantly all their stuff. My dwarf danger sense told me to be ready for anything. ", began Ymir again.

"With my axe at the ready,I attempted to find any clue of my comrades' location. I couldn't find any, and almost gave up hope when I heard a quiet ...Pssstt...from a bush. ", recanted the dwarf.

"The chubby halfling! ", declared Clovis.

"Correct, It was Billy Bobo or whatever his name was. He whispered that they were attacked and quickly over powered by giant spiders. He survived by hiding or something . At first I was mad cuz he basically admitted to running from a fight, but I actually thanked him for hiding. If he didn't act like a coward, I probably would have never tracked my comrades down. I followed the little rascal and found a clearing with spider webs with my friends all in silk cocoons. As you know I hate those eight legged furry beasts, and my blood immediately ran cold. What was worse, they were some type of intelligent variety and I could hear them chat amongst themselves. I'm not sure what type of spiders they are but they must have packed a pretty hefty poison if they could knock out a dozen poison resistant dwarves. Despite the urge to flee in revulsion , I remained fearless in the face of this new terror.", declared Ymir.

"Wait...You've fought snake men, giant Penguins, snow monkeys, hordes of undead, a risen god, and even faced off against the Great Squirrel...yet you find spiders scary ?" , inquired Clovis in disbelief.

Ymir nodded. "They're just creepy! ", was her only reply.

"I told chubby that I was going to draw them off , while he rescued the other dwarves. I didn't want them to use them as hostages or something. Chubby to his credit agreed , and we set our plan in motion. I found a fallen log and some bushes to use as a choke point, then I threw my dwarven axe at the ugliest spider and waited for the attack. My plan worked as expected and I was able to limit their attacks to only several at a time. As they got closer , I noticed they had some obscene parodies of faces. My stomach almost emptied at that point, but I instead focused on swinging my axe into their ugly heads. Although they were fair sized brutes with hard shells, their insides were kind of squishy . A few good blows and the beasts were slain. The battle was intense but short. After a few kills they fled and dispersed into the woods.", boasted the dwarf proudly. To illustrate her point, she had hopped onto a chair and began swinging an imaginary axe to demonstrate her technique to the artificer.

"After that grand battle , I returned to the clearing and to my shock I found an entire patrol of Drow! ", declared Ymir.

Although dark elves in Grom were conquered a few centuries ago and were seen as a poverty prone people, Clovis knew they had fearsome reputations in other parts of the world and in most dimensions.

"The Drow were retrieving my cocooned friends, and I suspected they were to be sold as slaves, or used for some profane sacrifice to their spider god. Even though the local Drow are only good for shining my boots, us dwarves still have tales of their vile ways. Blood orgies, perverted tortures, and other despicable acts. My dwarven blood literally boiled over as I thought of the twins and my cousin being used as some dark elf dominatrix's plaything. I considered attacking them right away, but I took the time to pick out their snipers and scouts first. I saw two long bow men hidden in the trees, and several spear wielding skirmishers in the bushes. ", explained the dwarven maid.

"Wait...longbow men...spear men? I'm pretty sure Drow use hand crossbows and short swords. Are you sure they weren't wood elves or something like that?", asked a startled Clovis.

"I'm no fool, I can tell a dark elf form a wood elf. These guys had giant spiders, that just screams Drow ! Can I continue my story now? ", scoffed Ymir. Clovis shrugged and the dwarf continued.

"So...I positioned myself so only one archer could see me. I took the visible one out with my throwing axe then charged the unprepared spear men. I dispatched a pair of the spear wielding bastards with my great axe before rushing to the main group. The elves didn't know what hit them, and panic was sown through their ranks. They scattered from my attack , but I was soon forced to fall back due to the other archer. The green skinned bastard was pretty adept at moving through trees or something, and found another sniping spot and began peppering me with arrows.", Ymir recalled.

"Wait ...Green skin bastard? I'm pretty sure Drow have black skin . Something to do with their underground vault's innate radiation. Green skinned elves are normally wild or wood elves. ", expalined the artificer.

"Pfft...Toe-mato... To-MAT-o ...same difference. Anyways, the little tree huggers managed to retreat when I fell back. I managed to dispatch the archer after a lengthy game of hide and seek, but my foes had already retreated. I attempted to pursue them , but they were pretty fleet footed. They out ran me , as they made their way into some big grassy flowery hill. ", recanted the dwarf.

"Big flowery hill ? That doesn't sound like Drow to me. The old tales say they like to hang out in underground lairs, or dark foreboding places. Also, those spiders could have been a local hazard, and the elves were just rescuing your friends. ", noted Clovis.

"Enough with the Drow trivia ok! Who's story is this! ", declared Ymir angrily. Clovis shrank back from the small dwarf's glare, and noted that he didn't want to be the next victim of the psychopathic dwarf.

"Well, despite my awesomeness with the axe, there was no way I was gonna siege the Drow fort by myself. After my attack they were put on high alert. I considered sapping my way in, but thought better of it. My surprise advantage was gone, and they would be able to bring their strength in numbers upon me. Seeing how I was now by myself , I decided to continue to the dragons lair by myself. There's suppose to be a town by the lair, and I hoped to either recruit new adventurers to either fight the dragon or kill the Drow.", explained Ymir.

"Hmm...town nearby the dragon huh? That's convenient. ", commented the artificer.

"Who knows ? I'm not an economist but I guess the local adventurers spend big bucks to keep the place going. So...back to my tale. After a few weeks, I finally made it to some town built on the water. I think it was called Escargot or something. Snail town..pffftttt...They did it to quickly put out the town from fire I guess. I would have personally built in underground. Place a couple of fake exploding underground lairs incase the dragon attempted to dig them out. I was eager to enjoy the amenities of even a backward town. A warm bath , a hot meal, drink and all that other stuff...when to my surprise my comrades had arrived before me! ", declared the dwarf.

"What? How? ", gasped Clovis in shock.

"Seems chubby snuck in with the elves into their lair. He either used his invisible ring or hid really well, and managed to engineer some jail break . At first opportunity he stuffed the dwarves into empty wine caskets or something . The elves apparently threw their empties into the river and they floated to the town on the lake.", shrugged Ymir.

Clovis gave her explanation careful thought then shook his head. "Impossible! First off , dwarves are way too dense . Unless the barrel was magical , they would have sunk to the bottom of the river. Secondly...if it took you a few weeks to get to the town, then the journey by barrel would have been quite long. If the barrels were fully sealed, your buddies would have suffocated. If they weren't they would have drowned. Also ...I've seen logs behave in the river, they would have been stuck on shore or dashed against rocks unless there were river log men to guide them. I doubt they had enough for that long of a trip, and even if they did, they would have noticed the dwarf filled barrels. "

Ymir glared angrily once again. Clovis expected some sort of violence to occur but she simply sat down quietly in her chair. The dwarf maid then began to drink her port quietly , acting oddly lady like.

"Well what happened next? ", asked Clovis after a few awkward minutes.

"I don't know. You seem to love interrupting and picking apart my story. Why don't you tell the rest! ", sniped the dwarf , as she stuck out her tongue at her host.

Clovis rolled his eyes . "Okay ...sorry. I'll let you tell the tale your way. No more kibitzing over the minor details. ",sighed the artificer.

Ymir sprouted a big smile. "Excellent...now comes the really cool part of the story.", hinted the dwarf with a wink .


	4. Chapter 4

"So these Lake people from ...err Escargot... were treating us like heroes . I mean, sure...we're dwarves and that is an automatic 3 cool points, but the majority of them arrived in wine kegs. In most cities that's an automatic stay in the drunk tank . The people here however were like...ooh...the mountain kings have returned...down with the dragon...yay dwarves ! and that type of nonsense. " , explained Ymir in amusement.

"This is a good thing, is it not? ", inquired Clovis. "I mean, most townsfolk are ready to get out the pitchforks and form an angry mob when adventurers come to town. Our..I mean the profession has quite a few negative connotations attached to it. ", noted the artificer. He wanted to include himself , but sadly his adventuring days had long past. He wisely got out of the game in his 30s and used his ill gotten gains to form his buisness empire. Although most adventurer's died young and broke, the artificer did feel a slight regret at his life changing decision.

"Hell yeah its good! ", declared the dwarf proudly. "It's about time we got our due. Even though it was a bunch of backward lake people its better then nuthin. As I said, they treated us with the utmost respect and resupplied and rearmed us for the final leg of our journey. The single mountain...or whatever it was called. Named so because it was a massive solitary mountain that rose out from the heath. ", explained the dwarf.

"Hmm...most likely a magical phenomena. Which would explain what attracted the dwarves there in the first place. Magical mountains, usually have rich veins of gold, silver, gems ...and more exotic materials. ", commented Clovis sagely.

Ymir nodded. "Aye...stories of my cousin's people and their fabulous wealth even reached the clans of Khazag Narg. Rivers of gold , streams of silver, rubies the size of your fist. Its enough to make a dwarf's head spin. "

"So we treck up the side of the mountain, and I'm literally shaking with anticipation. You know how I get right before a big battle. I'm not nervous, I'm like ready to go. Like a race pony ready to leave its opposition in the dust. We've been through legions of trolls, goblins , worgs, spiders, and drow for this moment. It was due or die, put up or shut up, the ultimate test of dwarf vs dragon ...or so I thought. ", sighed the dwarven maid.

"Let me guess, a dragon trap ? an avalanche? Perhaps the dragon's minions? ", guessed the artificer.

"Nooo...it was more self inflicted. Seemed my cousin's master plan was to gain entrance to the dragon's lair via a secret entrance . He had some type of moon map , which can only be read under the moon light, which showed us where the lair was. ", explained the dwarf sullenly.

Clovis raised an inquisitive eyebrow. The idea of a secret tunnel to their enemies lair was nothing new, but the moon map was definitely something he would love to study. He made note to inquire more about it later .

"I thought, sweet...we'll sneak in , catch the big lizard while its sleeping then whack it! Hells, there were 14 of us , we might be able to subdue it if we all got in a power attack . I was almost giddy with excitement, but cousin had other plans. Seemed he wanted to send chubby in there and steal the horde from the dragon's nose. ", spat the dwarf.

Clovis blinked his eyes in shock. "Excuse me...", he asked in disbelief.

"He wanted to steal the horde , one piece at a time. I know, I know . Utterly ridiculous ! Even if he had a bag of holding, it would take ages . I mean , there's 14 of us, we should be able to take this big beastier on. Even if he managed to kill a couple of us, thats more for the rest of us. If the horde was even 1/10 of what it was rumored to be, then we could raise our fallen comrades and still come out with a tidy profit. I of course protested, but cousin was being bull headed. He didn't want to have his authority questioned, so he sent chubby off to loot the dragon's lair. " , grumbled Ymir.

"I considered following him and making sure he got the job done right , but I was being stubborn too. I secretly wanted him to fail, so we could go in axes and swords a swingin. We waited awhile, before Billy Bobo or whatever his name was came out with this huge golden cup. It was breathtaking, a few grand at least. My mood immediately picked up, but then the mountain began to shake. ", continued the dwarf.

"The dragon woke up and found its horde pilfered right? They don't like that ...", chuckled the artificer.

Ymir nodded, "No sir. They don't like that. Even from outside we can hear him interrogating little Chubby. I half expected our little thief to be a crispy snack at that point...however... ", trailed the dwarf.

"He started to monologue , correct? ", chuckled Clovis.

"Yes! The egotistical lizard started to monologue about how super awesome he was . You know my teeth are like swords , claws like spears, scales like 10 fold shields blah blah blah. Oh...my favorite part was ...My breath ...is DEATH! ", giggled the dwarf.

"Anyways. Chubby took the opportunity to grab some more loot and wisely ran for it as ...I think his name was smokey or something...as Smokey went on and on about himself. ", continued Ymir.

"Don't tell me. At that point the dragon went ballistic and took off in search of your band? Stealing once from a dragon is bad, stealing twice is a guarantee confrontation. ", postulated the artificer.

"Yes sir. Old Smokey guessed we were outside and took the main door out. We could fight the beast underground when it couldn't fly, but outside we were at a clear disadvantage. The big lizard was huge, the biggest red dragon I've ever seen. I'm talking elder wyrm , advanced , with the elite array type of bad assery here. Well, I'm not stupid. At that point we all ran into the tunnel, before we were barbeque dwarf. I was hoping it would return back to its lair , so we can get into a proper melee with it. I guess our chance of survival in a straight up brawl , was 25 % but hey you only live once right? ", boasted the dwarf bravely.

"Yes...25% ...great odds. ", sniffed Clovis, suddenly recalling why he quit adventuring. Any regrets he had were replaced with the comforting knowledge that he was safe and sound for the last 40 years.

" So we were waiting in its lair, ready to rumble. We all knew that we had maybe seconds to live, so we braced our selves for the fiery doom that would befall us. The seconds turn to minutes, the minutes turn to hours...and at that point we figured the dragon wasn't coming back. We instead looked around, and ...wow...let me tell you my cousin's clan was loaded. I've never seen so much gold and treasures. I'm talking about mountains of the stuff, piles and piles of silver and gems. Even ancient armors and weapons. I'm talking about jack pot time.", describe the dwarf in wonder.

"What about the dragon ?" , asked Clovis curiously.

"Eh? At that point we didn't know. I figured it didn't see us and blamed the lake people. I found out later my suspicions were correct, and it was razing their town at the time. ", shrugged the dwarf casually.

"How unfortunate for them. ", sympathized the artificer , a bit disturbed but not surprised by the callousness of his friend.

"So cousin was looking for some super ruby stone , the Barkingstone or something , a symbol of his birthright or something, and couldn't find it. The rest of us was loading up and armor, weapons, and treasure. After what seemed like days, we guessed the dragon got lost, or maybe left for greener pastures. I think Ballsin suggested he might have decided to loot the drow settlement. Whatever the reason, since we were laden with loot, and had no enemy to fight, we decided to head out.", continued Ymir.

"The dragon gone, the treasure looted, and nobody died. Mission accomplished! ", added Clovis.

"I wish that was the case. When we left the mountain, our jaws dropped at the sight we saw. ", warned the dwarf.


	5. Chapter 5

"What , pray tell, did you see? ", inquired Clovis with a yawn. Ymir's tale had lasted most of the evening and the artificer was clearly tired and hoping for a conclusion. " A singing dragon? Maybe singing trolls? ", suggested the merchant.

Ymir's did not like the tone of her friend. She calmly got off her seat , walked to the man and punched him in the gut. "Pay attention! This is important ! " , she yelled at her now reeling companion.

"Where was I...oh yeah. It was midday and there were two armies at the mountain base. One army consisted of those lake people, the other was a fearsome army of drow longbow men . Lead by the drow king no less ! ", recalled the dwarf in awe.

Clovis was about to mention the small detail that drow do not operate in sunlight, also they were a matriarchal society. The dark elves would never have a drow king unless he was a consort or some other subservient position. The artificer thought about interrupting and correcting the dwarf, but the pain in his stomach cautioned him against it.

"Seems the humans had thrown in with the dark elves and were demanding our stuff or something. It was enough to get a girl's blood boiling! I was about to give them a few choice words, when good ole cousin stepped up to the plate and told them to screw off. We dwarves don't give hand outs. The drow can go suck rocks for imprisoning us, and the humans could go jump off a bridge for ...for err..being poor. The head human guy claimed some nonsense that they had killed the dragon, but we weren't falling for that. Old smokey prolly got bored or were scared of us dwarves so left for new pastures. Even if they did somehow killed the dragon, we were the first to engage it. So they actually kill stole it from us. We did all the work, the camping , the pulling, the taunting... he did what...shot some arrows at it and got in a lucky shot. ", spat the dwarf angrily.

Although Clovis valued gold as much as the next adventurer turned merchant, even he could see his friend was clearly suffering from gold fever at that point. Her judgement was clearly clouded by her race's love of all things gold and valuable. He would have called her on it, but once again the threat of a punch in the gut by the short but strong dwarf maid convinced him to wisely hold his tongue.

"So there we were , a hand full of dwarves squared off against an army of craven drow, and beggars from Escargot ville . Even odds by my book. We were prepared to battle to the end, but suddenly Cousin's err cousin showed up . Some guy by the name of Zane Iron shoe, or Steel foot or something. He had several thousand dwarves with him , and I was like ...oh yeah ...bring it on baby. Dwarves rule ...Naugrim forever! ", exclaimed Ymir.

Clovis held his tongue once again. Normally if a band of dwarves showed up after a major monster was slain, her immediate response would be , "Get lost ! Get your own loot! " The artificer guessed her response was clearly tailored for each situation.

"At that point, I thought the humies and dark elfies would pack it up and go. We had the environmental advantage and the superior troops, it would be suicide to go against us. Everything would have been over all non violent like . To my surprise the leader of the humies produces the Barkingstone. The giant ruby , the symbol of rulership to the mountain dwarves. Turns out chubby had swiped it and was using it to broker a peace or something. At this point cousin flips out. I mean , who wouldn't right? I thought he was gonna gut Billybobo right there, but the old wizard guy suddenly shows up and stops everything. ", recalled Ymir while shaking her head.

"Poof...he's gone for days , perhaps weeks, then he appears just like that and casts a time stop?", asked Clovis with a little more respect for the wizard for hire.

"Well...not quite time stop. He kind of just spread his arms and gestured really dramatically with thunder and lightning shooting out of his staff. ", replied Ymir. To demonstrate she got on her chair again and attempted to mimic the wizard's pose and speech . "Halt! Dread has come upon you all! Alas ! The goblins are upon you! Bolg of the north is coming! ", declared the dwarf in a powerful emotive voice.

Clovis was taken back by his friend's speech and had not expected the silly dwarf maid could be so imposing.

Ymir smiled and hopped off her chair, "Pretty cool huh? I was practicing. Anyways , seems old Steelshoe or whatever cousin's cousin was called had killed Bolg's father a while ago . He was some high goblin king I guess . Combined with us gutting the current goblin king earlier, and the lure of dragon loot , well...let's say every goblin for a thousand miles was out for blood. It wasn't just goblins either, but wolves, worgs, bats, and all sorts of bad guys. I guessed at least a hundred thousand of the little bastards were charging us at that point."

"Then they started singing?", inquired Clovis.

"Yeesh...what's with you and singing? No...we put aside our differences and got down to some serious gobby killing. I'm not exactly sure what happened but it was pure craziness. I mean we had a dwarf mountain city at our disposal...so what do we do...fight outside! We were clearly outnumbered , and we should have fought a defensive battle...but cousin attempts to charge Bolgy or whatever his name was unsupported. Even the drow charged the goblins , when they should have sat back and filled them with arrows. The dwarves , especially the ones I adventured with , fought like cornered badgers but we couldn't break the goblin ranks. ", recalled Ymir bitterly.

"So I take it you lost? You somehow escaped and made your way back to Grom. That's the source of your anger correct? ", guessed Clovis.

"Eh? Lose? Of course not! Pffft...Wizard guy summoned his eagle buddies, so there goes your limited magic item charge theory, and that big bear man which we only met for a few hours showed up and laid waste to every gobby he could find. It wasn't the prettiest battle, but scratch one on the win column for the good guys, and errr the drow. ", shrugged the dwarf.

"Of course. Tactics are such a burden, gets in the way of heroics and bloodshed. ", agreed the artificer sarcastically.

"I know right? Anyways , we won, they lost, but we took our beats as well. Cousin got himself mortally wounded , and the two hot twins got killed as well. I mean how come fatty the dwarf didn't die ? Life's so not fair. Chubby makes his peace with cousin and gives him the Barkingstone before he dies. I know ...so teary eye and boohoo. The drow and the men of Escargot makes peace with the dwarves . Steelshoe takes control of the mountain and divides the loot his way. Even gave some to the drow and men. I would have protested and challenged him to the right of succession, but he divided the loot rather equitably so I was happy. There was much spontaneous singing that day. ", explained Ymir wistfully.

"All the dwarves decide to stay in their newly acquired mountain stronghold. In the end, they were pretty swell guys. They might have been loafs to begin with , but they came through when it counted. I even got a letter from Gloinky recently, seems he had a kid called Gimply or something. Chubby , the wizard and I said our fond farewells and head backed home. Those two were traveling pretty light, but I had a small train of ponies overloaded with loot with me. We journeyed together till we reach the half elf guy's place, and I got a ride home from there. Not sure what the hired gun wizard did, but Chubby said he was gonna write a book , with poetry and songs in it. ", waxed the dwarf nostalgically with a longing sigh.

"Wait...Dragon vanquished. Goblin army destroyed. Ymir lives and gets a of of gold . Sounds like a really great adventure. Why were you complaining so bitterly earlier? From your tale, it appears you did everything you accomplished and then some. ", noted Clovis.

Ymir's wistful gaze turned to a scowl. "Oh yeah. That reminds me. So I return back home with all this loot, and who meets me at the border? Yup, you guessed it ...tax collectors. They were hitting me with an Import tariff, recovered horde tax, foreign domestic beast of burden fees, gold levy, silver levy, gem luxury tax, expatriate taxes, and since Cousin died, an inheritance tax as well. I practically cried as all my hard earned loot vanished. ", growled the dwarf angrily.

"Which brings me to why I'm here. So you're a pretty successful merchant right? I wonder if you can set me up with some ace tax lawyers or some half decent accountants . ", smiled the dwarf in her most sincere smile.

Clovis laughed, "As long as no one breaks out in song and dance, sure. ".


End file.
